Dating and Asperger's Syndrome

The teen years can be very complicated for kids with Asperger’s.  Dating can be especially confusing due to the social struggles and communication problems caused by Asperger’s Syndrome.  Here is a list of the most common problems when it comes to dating.

• Sensory Difficulties can make it difficult to go out on a date.  The sights, smells, and sounds of restaurants and movie theaters can be overwhelming to the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome.

• Recognizing the emotions that come with dating is also a challenge.  Teens with Asperger’s Syndrome usually have a hard time identifying emotional facial expressions, body language, and conversation.

• Social skills such as social cues and gestures, two-party conversations, and understanding sarcasm, humor, and slang can be nearly impossible for the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome to sort through.

• Routine is desirable for teens with Asperger’s Syndrome, but does not always lend itself to the world of dating.  Without a set routine, he may feel he is losing control of his life.

• Obsessions work against a dating relationship unless the topic is a mutual interest.  If not, this obsession will definitely compete for the affections of the teen with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Parents can help their teen with these Asperger’s dating issues.  The first thing parents should do is teach basic dating guidelines like how a person should be treated, how to guarantee safety, and how to develop friendships.  It is also a good idea for parents to role-play and practice dating situations, as well as review proper social skills. 

Some teens may need professional help with Asperger’s dating issues.  Autism support groups often have social skills classes for teens with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Individual counseling can help reduce anxiety and fear over the dating situation.

This time of life is scary and exciting for teens with Asperger’s.  Dating does not have to be anxiety-ridden.  With the help of parents, teachers, and counselors, teens with Asperger’s Syndrome can be successful in social relationships.

These and more questions can be answered in Dave Angel's Parenting Asperger's Resource Guide

Asperger's Syndrome and Rituals or Compulsions.

One of the hallmarks of Aspergers syndrome is the development of obsessive thinking and the performing of ritual behaviors done to reduce stress and anxiety. This type of behavior can later meet the criteria in adulthood for obsessive-compulsive disorder. Aspergers syndrome children often have an obsessive interest in a particular subject and very little interest in much else. They may obsessively seek information about maps or clocks or some other topic. They may also be very inflexible in their habits and rigidly adhere to certain routines or rituals. These obsessions and compulsions are believed to be biological in origin. This means that it is very difficult to go to therapy or just talk the individual out of the rituals. 


Even so, there is some evidence to suggest that cognitive-behavioral therapy may help control some of the behaviors and makes the child aware of ways to recognize when the behavior is occurring so as to stop it before it occurs. This kind of therapy, in general, can be helpful for children, teens and adults with Aspergers syndrome because it focuses on concrete behavioral and “thought” changes necessary to function on a day to day basis.


Parents may need to simply be supportive of the child who so rigidly hangs onto rituals he or she doesn’t understand. Unless the child has done a lot of therapy, it takes a great deal of effort to fight the rituals nor does it help to punish the child for them.


There are medications, often used in obsessive compulsive disorder that can take the edge off of the ritual behavior and obsessions, especially when used along with cognitive behavioral therapy. No medication is without side effects and the improvement may not be complete; however, it is worth the effort to try the medication as recommended by your child’s doctor. 

This is a taste of some of the information that can be found in the Parenting Asperger's Resource Manual.

Anger and Depression A Horrible Asperger's symptom

Anger and depression are both issues more common in Aspergers syndrome than in the general population. Part of the problem stems from a conflict between longings for social contact and an inability to be social in ways that attract friendships and relationships. Even young children seem to know that they are not the same as other kids and this gets emphasized in the social era of adolescence. Many cases of depression, in fact, begin in adolescence. Anger, too, stems from feeling out of place and being angry at one’s circumstances in life.


Ideally, the focus should be on prevention and on helping younger children with Aspergers syndrome develop communication skills and develop a healthy self esteem. These things can create the ability to develop relationships and friendships, lessening the chances of having issues with anger or depression. 


Anger can also come in Aspergers syndrome sufferers when rituals can’t get accomplished or when their need for order or symmetry can’t be met. Frustration over what doesn’t usually bother others can lead to anger and sometimes, violent outbursts. This kind of anger is best handled through cognitive-behavioral therapy that focuses on maintaining control in spite of the frustration of not having their needs met.


While it is better to teach communication skills and self esteem to the younger children, communication skills and friendship skills can be taught to teens or even adults that can eliminate some of the social isolation they feel. This can avert or reverse depression and anger symptoms.


The truth is that some Aspergers syndrome patients become so depressed that they commit suicide. Other Aspergers syndrome patients become angry enough that they get violent and hurt or kill others as a result. The challenge becomes recognizing these individuals before they do harm and getting them into therapy or starting medications for depressions or for obsessive compulsive symptoms so that tragedy can be avoided.

My Adventure With Mark, An Asperger's Tale.

When I first met Mark he seemed like a normal child with an intellectual disability. He was playing video games in the living room. His Mother had just got done telling me their story. She had expressed how they were basically held hostage by their son. Every day was a constant battle. They had to fight with him to take a bath, to go to sleep, to get up in the morning, to go out to eat. She stated they had not been able to go on a family vacation in years. She appeared to be, simply exhausted. I was working for an agency that was there to help with just such situations. So I went into the living room and sat down with Mark while he played. He was playing Predator vs. Alien. I knew the basic concept so I engaged in conversation. We talked about the game for the entire first session. I thought I was in the clear, great rapport built, we would be off and running with no problems. Boy was I wrong.

The next visit we came back with the standard charts and picture schedules to help Mom out. She said she would try them, but she didn't think they would work. She stated that Mark usually just got violent when demands were placed upon him that he did not like. Mark was very into video games so we tried to use that as a reward. If he didn't get them he would just go ballistic, until he got what he wanted. I could now see the hell the family had been going through. The typical charts and pictures did nothing for Mark. He simply manipulated his way around the system put in place. He found every loophole. Typical Asperger's.

We decided a more advanced strategy was needed. We began a week long intensive intervention. I was there when Mark woke up and when he went to sleep. We would sit by his bed in the morning making sure he woke up on time. This required taking his pillow away after two warnings, then his blanket. We then went to the task of getting him to brush his teeth. I think I stood in the bathroom with him for an hour the first two days just verbally and nonverbally redirecting him to brush his teeth. All the while he screamed and yelled. We had removed every distraction from the bathroom, but his tooth brush. When he would protest I would simply point to the tooth brush or simply say "the next thing you are going to do is brush your teeth". We used this strategy for every step of the getting ready process. Then we repeated this with the nightly routine. After about three day the time for him to complete the tasks began to shrink,and the violent outbursts were less and less.

By the end of the week I was the one who was exhausted. I could not imagine how the family had done this for so long with no training. They were finally free though. Mark was now listening, showering, and following his schedule. They even went on a family vacation shortly there after. Due to our efforts my team and I won team of the year from the Autism Society of Cincinnati. I learned a lot from Mark and carry a lot of that knowledge with me today. From what I hear he is still doing well today.  For complete in depth information on Asperger's Syndrome and what you can do as a parent I strongly recommend you pick up the Parenting Asperger's Resource Guide.  It is full of tips tricks and knowledge.